


I went to Fritzville and all I got was this lousy T shirt

by daddywarbats (TwinEnigma)



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Background Poly, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, FOREVER SALTY, GFY, Gen, Justice, Multi, Nail Hydra with a Nail Gun, Now with extra salt, SayNoToHYDRACap, clint has hearing aids, it hates nazis, marvel u done fucked up, old ass military slang everywhere, really gratuitous military slang, tfw you punch nazis in the face, the shield is probably sentient, there is so much salt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 14:22:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6988840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwinEnigma/pseuds/daddywarbats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers has a beef with some unpleasant news.</p><p>There came a day I thought I'd never see, when Marvel went too far and well... screw that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I went to Fritzville and all I got was this lousy T shirt

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Nazi Cap](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6968407) by [20gayteen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/20gayteen/pseuds/20gayteen). 



It was Memorial Day weekend and it was near time for the annual Avengers picnic (which, despite their personal beef with the master of ham in charge, our AWOL heroes still somehow had invitations to if only because Thor was actually in charge of all and sundry parties, due to his superior party throwing skills and possession of about the only booze in the universe that could get supersoldiers trashed - a truly dire emergency for any G.I., over the bump or not).  The requisite ugly shirts had been aired out and given a cursory sniff-test.  Mustard stains were examined for their levels of acceptability.  A foot locker _might_ have gotten glued to the ceiling.

Of course, it was all in good Army fun, as such pranks _never_ get old ("Hooah," Sam nominally agrees and Sharon rolls her eyes because she's not a dog like them - she's a fifth column dame, through and through).  And when you're bunking together, such things are a matter of course, since someone's got to provide the wheezes and the supersoldier serum just means you've got more energy to burn.  And a tussle or two in the blankets with your equally un-aging supersoldier geriatric boyfriend doesn't really do much to completely stow that itch.

Also, more things end up accidentally on purpose blowing up, but that's science for you.

Since Sharon is in charge of liberating their clearance into American airspace following the Incident (in which Tony was being a total fucking knocker), that just left three glorious specimens of military architecture and a screwball in the mill.

Three very _bored_ glorious specimens of military architecture and a screwball. 

Sharon would be lucky if the safe house was still standing when she got back.  Back in the day, Peggy had left them and the Howling Commandos to their own devices - which predictably went about as well as these things always go - and, when she got back, she let them know most ricky-tick why she did not approve the senseless stretching of her arsenal wear on a bunch of boobs; golly, she was a bang-up woman, in every sense, and well it wasn't wrong for them to still be in love with her seventy years down the line.  Sharon was shaping up to be cut from the same silk undergear and so it was generally agreed that she'd tear a stripe off them if they pulled some of their usual shenanigans (Peggy, of course, would have straight up made sure they were spitting teeth if they so much as laid a hand on Sharon and she was stubborn enough that death probably wouldn't stop her from delivering them both a kiwi injection to the family jewels).

Since there was nothing to do and they were nowhere near any tarantula soup of the quality that could even garner a decent buzz for a supersoldier, Steve decides to swing the lead.

"Hey, remember that time I punched Hitler in the face?"

Bucky laughs because _yes he totally does and that was awesome,_ while Sam and Clint look suitably impressed.

"And Mussolini, don't forget him," Bucky adds, grinning.

"Good old Hit and Muss.  I forgot how nice it was _punching_ genocidal fascist maniacs."  Steve leans back, recalling the satisfying crunch of Hitler's face as his fist impacted it and shattered something important probably.  He knocked his block off!  Sure they had to run before he could let a little light into the guy, but hey Hitler did that on his own the second they had him cornered like the rat he was.

Couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy in his opinion.

"If by punching you mean smashing with Old Glory there, then yes you love punching Nazis," Bucky says, indicating the Shield.

The Shield, if it was capable of rolling eyes at him, would have totally done so.  But the Shield doesn't have eyes, so Steve rolls his on its behalf.  "Come on, I didn't shield bash _every_ Nazi.  I mostly punched them," he adds.  "And then I shot them, because they were horrible Nazi fucks."

"No, _I_ shot them because you could never turn up a chance to punch them," Bucky corrects him.

"Well, I wasn't about to let those bullies Hitlerize the free world, so yeah I took the fight to them," Steve harrumphs.

Sam somehow has obtained popcorn and a few beers, which he splits with Clint because _this is gonna be good_.

"Says the guy who _jumped out a window_ without the damn chute!"

"I used the silk to bribe the tower, pal."  Oop and there's the _sorry not sorry_ smile.

This is the point at which both Sam and Clint realize that they're not talking about an actual window (despite the fact that Cap is quite fond of jumping out of them, usually after stuffing his Dorito of a self behind the Shield).

This is also the point at which everything goes to shit.

Clint lowkey checks his comm unit, which is vibrating intensely, and makes a face as he tunes his hearing aid into the comm bluetooth.  His expression turns noticeably more foul as he listens.  Then he takes the aid out, rubs it off and reinserts it, and says "Could you repeat that? I'm not sure I got that right.  It sounds like you said some complete horseshit."

"Is that Sharon - did something happen to our ride?" Steve demands.

Never get between a soldier and a promised shore leave.

Or Asgardian mead, for that matter.

Clint looks fit to kick someone's teeth down their throat.  "Seems someone is running around pretending to be you and claiming you've been a secret Hydra agent all along.  The tabloids are having a field day."

Steve stiffens, his expression stormy. 

The Shield gleams ominously and practically jumps onto Steve's arm.

Sam has got RUSMOW written all over his face, because this is bullshit of the highest order.

"And, pray tell, where might I find this sunofabitch?" Steve asks, polite as you please.

He's gonna punch them. 

Yep, he's gonna punch them right in their Hitler-worshipping face.  Possibly with his shield. 

Fuck these Hydra Hitlerists.  He didn't fight in the fucking war and get iced up to have some goose-stepping Werewolves piss on his good name and everything it stands for.

The Shield gleams _very_ aggressively in agreement.  It hasn't been nearly long enough since it's been smashed into evil's innards for justice.

Clint looks at Sam and Sam looks at Clint.  There is an unspoken agreement that Violence Is About To Happen To Someone Who Deserves It - they just have to decide if they want in on this ride or not.  And, Sam's crush aside, they both like Steve a lot.  He doesn't deserve this fuckery.  No, they're going full fangs out on this one.

"I'll get my gun," Bucky says.

 

**Author's Note:**

> With gratuitous thanks to Paul Dickson's _War Slang: American Fighting Words and Phrases Since the Civil War_ , which is possibly one of the most useful purchases I've ever made in the past decade and is required reading to make sense of half of this fic.
> 
> Suffice to say, someone may have ended up in Peggy's good garters.
> 
> Also: RUSMOW - _aRe yoU Shitting Me Or What_
> 
> Minor update RE: Hayley Atwell's insight into What Would Peggy Think of Steve/Sharon - aka "she'd rise from the grave like a glorious murderangel"


End file.
